Shorts!
TELL S2E7 - Shorts! - Episode Transcript
Drae Campbell: From the corporate infrastructure [strum] [laughter] [TELL THEME SONG]
[MUSIC BED] DC: Hi, I’m Drae Campbell and this is TELL -- a podcast where queer people tell queer stories. For the past 8 years I’ve been hosting and curating a night of live storytelling at BGSQD -- a queer bookstore in Manhattan. And now I’m sharing those stories with the world… again! Season 2.
DC: Just so you know these stories were recorded at all different times and places and throughout the quarantine, pre-vax, post-vax, and everything in between.
DC: So, if you need a dose of queer community, or just wanna hear great stories told by the people who lived them, you’ve come to the right place. So oil your chain and harvest your scoby, ‘cause TELL is queering the narrative and telling our stories, on our terms.
[END MUSIC]
[MUSIC BED: Funky] DC: This is a very exciting, special bonus episode. We're doing something a little different. You're going to hear not three stories today, but a whole bunch of little short, sweet, amazing stories. The shortest, sweetest stories ever to pop out of a podcast. Welcome to TELL’s first-ever [echo] SHORTS episode!
DC: Our first story… Kiera Nagle is a licensed massage therapist, educator and artist. This story was recorded in December of 2020…
[END MUSIC BED]
[KIERA NAGLE]
Kiera Nagle: Hi, everyone. Woo hoo! I will just start by saying that I washed my hair, like before this. Which is not as frequent occurrence as it used to be given that everything is in this format now, but. I'm a massage therapist, so I know a lot about the nervous system. But I didn't know this at the time about the statement I was going to make. You know, I was queer in my, in my teens and my twenties. And, you know, had an idea about what that should be and should look like. But I was pretty femme presenting, hard femme, you know. Goth, hard femme. But at some point, you know, like towards the end of college, I was like, "Well, I'm really queer now. I guess I gotta cut my hair off, you know? That's what you got to do. Like, you know, to fit in with my queer friends." Even though, you know, there were all kinds of representations among the people I hung out with. But I felt like this is like a rite of passage. Like Ani did it, I have to do it. So I cut all my hair off and, you know, I felt like it was going to be this big, like "Here I am now," you know? And honestly, I had -- this is why I referenced being a massage therapist -- I had what is called phantom limb sensation. I constantly felt like my hair was still there, even though it wasn't. So, you know, I had this shaved head, but I would still be like, flip in my hair. And kind of...in my dreams at night I would be, like, putting up a ponytail, you know, like, just like gathering all my hair up. And then I'd wake up and be like, "Oh, where's my hair?" Like, I felt really like something was missing, you know? That's really my just my little story was that then I realized, like, you know, this is part of who I am. Like, truly part of who I am. And I can be queer me with longer hair. And so I spent some time growing my hair back and my hair has been pretty long. I actually just cut it this summer because of just being sick of it from the pandemic. You know, having not cut it for a year, but…
DC: Phantom femme hair limb.
Kiera Nagle: Yeah. Yes.
DC: Yay!
Kiera Nagle: And I'm also just not as hard femme anymore because of the pandemic. Like, I can't bear to put makeup on. So now I'm like granola mom femme…
DC: [laughter]
Kiera Nagle: …with mid-Length hair.
[FADE UP MUSIC BED: Twinkly tones]
DC: The Ani DiFranco song we're all waiting for granola mom femme. Yay! Give it up for Kiera Nagle.
DC: You can find Kiera Nagle at Kiera Nagle dot com. That's K-I-E-R-A N-A-G-L-E dot com!
DC: Coming in hot this second story…Olaiya Olayemi is a Black, trans, femme woman, anti-disciplinary artist, educator, and organizer. This story was recorded in December of 2021…
[OLAIYA OLAYEMI]
Olaiya Olayemi: Hi, everyone. How's everybody doing?
DC: Woo!
OO: Good I hope. So I was, like, racking my brain. I was like, "What story can I tell?" And I thought of a story. I was like, "Okay, this is about the most holiday-ish story that I can think of." So this is the story of the messy Thanksgiving weekend of 2019. [laughter] So this was like, I don't know it was just a very odd Thanksgiving weekend. I went to a friendsgiving and my friend volunteered me to make gumbo. That was a sign of things to come. I don't know how I got volunteered to do some shit that I never asked to do. [laughter] But I volunteered to cook. Which was fine. I went and bought everything, cooked, whatever. We went to a friendsgiving in Brooklyn. Everybody enjoyed it. It was great. This friend I no longer speak to because she turned out to be trash. But she doesn't know how to hold her liquor. And so we were drinking at the Friendsgiving, having a good time, and then she was like, "Well, let's go to another bar afterwards." So we went to a bar in Brooklyn that I can't even think of the name of. Like, I have no idea what it was called. And she kept drinking more, and just talking shit, and just asking the bartender about where she got her hair from and... "Where'd you get your weave from. Where'd you get your wig from?" [laughter] I was like, "Girl, stop it! [laughter] This is not appropriate." And she was like almost falling asleep at the bar. And I'm like, "Maybe we should go home or you should go home?" And I'm a little drunk too. But I'm not as wasted and sloshed as she is. She's like, kind of gone. As she usually tends -- tended to do. [00:07:30][98.6]
OO: So then she just insisted on going to this sex party. We used to go to these trans sex parties in Brooklyn. And there was one that night. This is like a Saturday. So it's like the Saturday after Thanksgiving. So she insisted on going. She called a Uber. And I'm just like, "This is not gonna go well. Like, you're not even, like, functioning right now." So we go to a party and she basically falls asleep on the couch at the party while people are in various rooms doing various things. She's like sitting on the couch, just like knocked out. And I don't know, it was like very hot in the party. Well, it was hot in more than one way. But I was like, "I need to get some air." So I went to the, like little... It was like a Williamsburg loft. So, like, there's like kind of an outdoor kind of like fire escape patio thingy, I guess you would call it. So I went out there just like get some air. So I'm like drunk at this point, I've been drinking kind of all night, cooking all day. And I see this guy that I had met there that I was talking to. And we had messed around at like the last party, really didn't go too far. He, like, randomly hit me up like a Wednesday trying to pull up and come through. And I'm like, "Uh, no." And then he, like, got irritated that I didn't text him back fast enough. And so I was just kind of, like, over him. And so like, even when I said hi to him like in the party, he like acted like he almost like didn't know me. I was like irritated a little bit.
OO: But then he starts talking to this other girl, like in front of me, talking to her, like asking for her number. And I was just like getting irritated and I was just in a messy mood, I guess. And so I was just like, "You don't want to get his number, honey. He's gonna call you random weeknights. He's not about that life. Like, fuck him." And he like gets pissed at me. "Like, what the fuck do you, what the fuck are you talking about?" I was like, "His name's blah blah blah." He was like, "Maybe I didn't want her to know my name!" I was like, "What the -- who gives a fuck? Like you were giving her your number. Like, who cares?" [laughter] He just like went off on me. I was so pissed and irritated. So I went back into the party and my friend is like halfway drunk and sleeping and halfway like up. And I'm like, "I saw the guy, you know, from a few weeks ago or whatever. He kind of like cursed me out almost." And she jumps up in her drunken stupor. "Where is he? I'm gonna..." I'm like, "You're not gonna do shit. Like shut the fuck up." She's like, ready to, like, curse him out and like... "You're not gonna do anything. It's not that big of a deal. Chill out."
OO: The party eventually. And I was like, "I think it's time for us to just let go. Like, You're wasted, I'm pissed, let's just go." So I was very kind of upset. It wasn't like the best Thanksgiving of my life [laughter] Thanksgiving weekend, friendsgiving weekend, whatever the fuck. But you know, like I said, don't even talk to these people anymore. So they're like, kind of irrelevant. And that whole world is kind of like not even the world I'm in. So it was just a very weird, messy Thanksgiving weekend. But I can laugh about it now. It's not as dramatic as it was at the time. So yeah, that's the story of my messy Thanksgiving weekend of 2019. [laughter]
[FADE UP MUSIC BED: Funky]
DC: Give it up for Olaiya.
Audience: [applause, woos, phone ding]
DC: Yes, yes. We've all been at those messy, sex party Thanksgiving... [laughter] we've all been there, honey. I mean, raise your hand, haven't you? Not the Wednesday you up! [laughter] We love a hot, sweaty sex party story.
DC: You can find Olaiya at Capricorn 1089 on Instagram.
DC: Next up, Chewy May is a comic born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. She has over 20 years of social awkwardness under her belt. This story was recorded in December of 2021…
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[CHEWY MAY]
Audience: [cheering, woos]
Chewy May: Hello, thank you!
Audience: [crosstalk] Chewy, yes!
CM: [laughter] Christmas growing up is weird. My relationship to Christmas is weird because I remember I, we would always go to my aunt's house. And in my mind, my aunt had like a furnished basement, had an upstairs, had like multiple bathrooms, so I thought it was a mansion, right? So I was like, Oh, I'm gonna go to my rich aunt's house, it's a mansion. But from what I learned from other people that it was just a house in Westchester. In my mind, I'm like, "It's a mansion!" So that's, that was the only fun part of Christmas for me, was going to my rich aunt's house. And then one time we... my family hosted me. To me that was fun, I was like, "Hah! I'm gonna brings you guys back to see how us common people celebrate Christmas." And then we all just like gathered up in the living room or gathered up in one of the bedrooms and played games.
CM: And I also remember that I got a present from my cousin. And it was like the first present that I felt like I was seen. Because often uncles like gave like dresses or money or whatever. But like this present, I remember opening it and it was the Toy Story alien. And it was like the three eyes, the one that was like "The claw!" And I felt like that I was seen in it because I was like, I was really excited because I loved Toy Story. But she then she told me, she's like, "Oh, cause you like boy things. So I got you a boy thing." And I felt really seen by that. And that was amazing. And that was like the last amazing Christmas we had together. Because I remember by the time like high school came around, family Christmases changed to a point where I had to have like a prepared speech of like, "Oh, yes, no boyfriend for college, no boys. I love Jesus. School is good. Jesus is great." So it came to a point where I remember, like, dreading going to my rich aunt's house. Dreading answering questions with like, "I loved Jesus. No boyfriend yet." I remember in a high school we learned about, like, how not everybody has to celebrate Christmas. And one time we actually did not have Christmas and just went to watch Harry Potter instead. And that was like amazing for me. I was like, "Are we sinning now? Is this okay? Are we okay? Can we watch a movie on Jesus's birthday instead?" Like, I felt like sinful, but like good sinful because I was with my sisters and we're all watching a movie together. And like this past year of not seeing family for Christmas, it makes.. it's, like, bittersweet. Like, I do miss the awkward questions of boyfriends or no boyfriends, but yeah, I kind of miss it now, which is weird.
[FADE UP MUSIC BED: Synthy]
DC: Everybody give it up for Chewy May! Yayyy! [cheering, woos]
CM: Thank you.
Audience: [cheering]
DC: Thank you. And thanks for coming back and doing the show again.
DC: You can find Chewy at Chewy comedy dot com. C-H-E-W-Y.
DC: Oh my goodness we have a fourth story… Joey Kipp is a New York City dancer and performer. Joey’s story was recorded in January of 2021…
[JOEY KIPP]
Joey Kipp: Hello everyone. I am reporting from my sisters shed slash craft studio in the Bay Area, California. So I am from Brazil, or was adopted from Brazil. Grew up in the Bay Area, Mountain View, California. And my godfather was really a part of, really a huge part of my life. And I remember the first time we went hot tubbing. I saw his chest hair, and I was like, "Oh, my God. I think I... I think I like men! This is sexy!" This full chest hair experience with the bubbles and everything and the froth. So, before I was six years old, I was just an infant, I was so addicted to my pacifier. My godfather said, "Magie" (my mom) "You gotta wean him off of that because he's gonna be a cock-sucker when he grows up."
JK: Fast forwarding, I'm in high school and Boogie Nights comes out and I am so enamored by Heather Graham. Just the short shorts, the roller blades, she sucks dick, she gets to seek revenge on people and smash their faces in with her roller skates. I mean, how fierce can you get? So I wanted to be her. I wanted to be roller girl from Boogie Nights. So I joined the cross-country team so I could have long, luscious legs like Heather Graham. My first job out of college in NYC was at a vegan ice cream store. I don't know if people know it, but it was called Stow Goes. And it was in the East Village across from St Mark's place. And it was kind of one of those places where a lot of celebrities would come in, but it was like a very like hole-in-the-wall. Like, we had a lot of regulars from the East Village, but then we would get like all these random celebrities that would come in via limo, and it was just super bizarre. So one day I'm working at the cash register and this woman comes in and she's super nice and she's like, "Oh, I'm so sorry. I have Canadian coins. I was just working in Canada. Let me, I have to get some actual American money." So I'm like, "Okay, no worries. Take your time." So she pulls out her cash and walks away and my friend goes, "You know who that is, right?" I said "No!" "It's Heather Graham." I was so grateful I did not know that it was Heather Graham because I would have been speechless. Like the whole time I think I just stood at the cash register and ignored everyone and stared at her, like eating her ice cream and like licking it, talking to her gay best friend. I was just like, "This is literally my high school dream come true."
JK: Anyways, I got fired. [laughs] I went to Riis Beach thinking I had a day off, and I got fired. So it was another way I got to celebrate my queerness and channel my Heather Graham esque by being at the beach and engaging in all sorts of activities. Anyways, after that I was gay-bashed and I was hit by a car from the PTSD of the gay-bashing, and I was back in the Bay Area. And as I was I was recovering, I was working as a data entry clerk at this company where my mom works. And I had a zine. And when I was in New York, there was this guy on the Upper East Side that I met on Adam for Adam. And he was a super sexy French guy, uncut like eight inch dick, but he was super into like cheesy foreskin. Which I was like, "Foreskin, yes. Cheese, no." She's going vegan tonight. So I put the whole story in the zine, which I was photocopying and Xeroxing like at the data entry job. I'm like, you know, like photocopying like cartoon dicks, and like me sucking cheese, and like all these weird cartoons of me and like dicks, and phallic imagery, and other bizarre, and mice and... And this one guy [beep] shows up and he's like, "What are you doing?" I'm like, "Oh, I'm like, working on my zine!" And he's like, "Oh, can I buy one?" I'm like "Sure." He was like, super, super daddy -- bald, shiny, Black, tall, super ripped. And I was like, "Yes, daddy. You can you can buy my zine. It's just a dollar for you." And so he's reading the zine and my mom is like "Joey, he read this? And you were photocopying in the office? You know, he's the one that is in charge of all of the purchasing for the company!?" So I'm like, "Well, at least the money went to good use." So I decided, you know what? I might not still have a pacifier. But I'm a roller-skating, disco, dick-sucking, leggy version of Heather Graham with black skin. And that's my blow story. Thank you, everyone, so much for listening. I'm sorry, it was like a bunch of different little stories.
[FADE UP MUSIC BED: Funky synth]
DC: I love you, Joey.
JK: I love you, too.
DC: Thank you. That was amazing.
Audience Member #1: I want to read your zine.
Audience: [crosstalk]
DC: You’re very Heather Graham and you're gorgeous
JK: Thank you so much.
DC: Yay!
JK: Have a beautiful day, everyone. Beautiful evening.
DC: Thank you.
DC: You can find Joey and J Kippster on Instagram. K-I-P-P-S-T-E-R.
DC: Coming up next, you guessed it, a fifth story. [laughs] Nonye Brown-West is a New York-based, Nigerian-American comedian, producer, and writer. This story was recorded in April of 2021…
[END MUSIC BED]
[NONYE BROWN-WEST]
Nonye Brown-West: Oh, my goodness. Okay. So I used to have a bragging problem. I had a bragging problem because every time I brag, something bad would happen. I don't know what I believe in to be honest. I don't know if I if I believe in God or whatever. But the powers that be, something would always make things go poorly for me every time I bragged. So a lot of my bragging throughout my childhood was about my abilities as an active child, right? I was always like, "Oh, I'm very good at that sport. I'm great at tennis. I swim really well." And my sisters always outshined me. They were always better at everything. So we all had tennis lessons. We all had swimming lessons when we were kids. And I was the only one that took four years of swimming lessons and could barely doggy paddle. I probably gained like £16 as a child, but not like the good weight of just growing. Literally five years old, all of a sudden £16 heavier because my swimming teacher would give me Tootsie Pops every time I came for a lesson because she thought I was cute. So instead of teaching me like she taught my sisters, she just fattened me up. It was incredible, all right.
NBW: So years later, we moved to a place called Marshall, Massachusetts. And we had, we had a pool. Years before that, we were impoverished, right? We were honestly living in poverty. And again, that's something that happened to me and not my sisters somehow. Like, I'll talk about childhood and I'll be like, "Oh, do you remember the year that I slept on a wee wee pad on the floor?" And my sister will be like, "Oh, we always had a bed. When was that?" I'm like, "What?" [laughter] "You know, when your sister slept on a wee wee pad? Okay, great." But we finally had a pool, and I used to swim in that pool every day. And I was a huge weirdo, so I would just sit on the bottom of the pool and just, like, hold my breath. But people in my school, they all knew that I had a pool. And one day we went to the North River, which is a dark water river. And actually the movie Jaws was based on something that happened in the North River, right? And I knew that because everybody that grows up in Marshfield knows that. "We're like, Oh, yeah, the movie Jaws was based on our town. Hah!" So we went to the North River and there was a rope swing there. And I was very excited. I was like, "Oh, I love rope swings." But really, I had never been on one, but I was like, "Oh, I love them in my head. I love the theory of them." So it was my turn to go on the rope swing, I was with four of my friends. And I jumped off the rope swing, landed in the water, opened my eyes in the water. It was dark. And I started to have a what? Panic attack. I started to have a panic attack in the North River. So I was able, like I was able to swim to the shore. Because when you're panicking and you do know how to swim a little bit, you will naturally just be like "Help!" And go to the shore. But all they saw was me have a panic attack. They were like, "This woman does not know how to swim." And they said that immediately, and I was like, "No, I do know how to swim. Like, I have a pool!" And then I started thinking it was a racial thing because, like, three of them were white. I was like, "Ooh, okay." So I didn't really hang out with them that much after that, but I was like, "No, I do know how to swim. What do you talk about? I'm a very good swimmer!"
NBW: So years later, I still have this bragging problem that I always did when I was flirting or anything. And I meet my now husband and his family. I was very nervous around them because I could tell that I was like the first Black person they had really even interacted with. So it was hard. It was hard off the bat. He turned out normal somehow. But, you know, his family... Race relations were an issue. So they really, really tried hard to learn about me. And I tried hard to engage with them at first. Yeah, I mean, they're from Connecticut. It's just [laughs] that is definitely the worst type of white. No offense, cause I know some of you are from there. But it's like being married to the villain from an eighties movie. I digress. It really is. Blaine, that's him. Alright? It's just... Pretty in Pink, yes. He is, he is Steph and Blaine in one, and his family is as well. It's just not... It wasn't a very welcoming situation for me. [laughs] So they took me on a Christmas trip. So this was like six years, they took me on a Christmas trip and... hoooo, it was alright. We went to Belize and it was nice. And I immediately tried to speak to the locals because they looked like me and I just wanted to feel comfortable. So I learned about the history of Belize. They were colonized by everybody, right? Like the British were there, the French were there, the Spanish were there. So I spent a lot of time just trying to talk to the locals because I got on a flight after the rest of the family, I had to work. And the pilot was reading a book while he was driving the plane. And I was just like, "This is it. I'm about to die on the way to this Get Out vacation." I was very, very scared. Right?
NBW: So I get to the Get Out vacation finally. I was just happy to be alive. And I was like, "You know what?" I was afraid of being with the family, but now I'm just like, "This is great. I'm alive and everything's going to be okay." So the first day there, they had a huge itinerary, they're a family that plans activities. Most of the activities involved getting drunk. So I was with it. I was like, "Yes, let's get drunk. Y'all make me nervous." The next day we were going snorkeling, but it was like off the coast. It was going to be like deep sea snorkeling. There are some scooba people that were going to come with us. It was very exciting. And of course, I was already bragging like, "Oh, I grew up in a beach town." Like "I got this like!" "Oh, those little flippers that makes it so easy!" Like, "Oh yeah, I swim in the ocean. Who doesn't swim in the ocean? I swim in the ocean." Right? And I was just bragging the whole way there, just trying to connect with this family. And the instructor... There is a group of us, everybody there was white. Belize is one of those countries where white people go there, they love to go there and just be white visiting a country that is not white. Okay? [laughs] So, so I was like you the only Black person in this whole group of people snorkeling. And I was also the only one who was asked if I needed a life vest. Yeah. So that's racism abroad and it follows you. And the instructors, they were all Black as well, but they just looked at me and they're like, "Oh, a Black American? She doesn't know what she's doing." All right. So I look at the instructor face. I was very offended. I was like, "Excuse me, sir, I know how to swim. I grew up with a pool and that pool was shaped like a cartoon duck, swag. All right?"
NBW: So I got into the water and I started to have some, a little bit of trouble. [laughs] And at first I was like, "Oh, no, I just, I'm keeping up with everybody else." We got maybe 20 feet out and I was like, "All right, I'm keeping up with everybody else." The instructor started to pay a lot of attention to me, and I was right next to the instructor. And then finally he was just like, "Hey, there's fire coral right underneath you, and you're getting real close to the fire coral." And I was just like, "I got this, I'm fine." And then I looked down and there was a huge bush of fire coral right underneath me, and I started to panic. I started to panic. And all of a sudden my swimming just failed. Like my body just like didn't even know what to do. Because we are so far away from the shore at this point when I realized like, "Oh my God, if I touch the fire coral and my legs start to burn..." I didn't know what was going to happen to me if touched the fire coral, first of all. Cause they really should just like let you touch you cause it's nothing, it doesn't really feel like anything, it's fine. But in my mind I was like, "I'm going to go paralyzed. If I touch the fire coral, I'm not going to be able to swim back to shore. And we're very far out." So I started to panic. So he had brought like, two life vests with him, because I refused a life vest. And he gave me one of the life vests because he was like, "Okay, now she's having a panic attack. See what happens when Black people are in water?" And I was so mad. So he gave me the life vest, I put it on. And that was mistake number two, I gotta say. Because, I don't know if anyone here has ever swam in a life vest, It's difficult! And I didn't know that cause I had never used life vest in my life before. So I put it on and all of a sudden I couldn't swim the way I normally do. I couldn't swim flat. And I started to like bobble and I started to sink even more than I was before. So the panic attack just grew. And I was just like, "Help, I need help. I'm drowning in a life vest. I didn't know this was possible, help me!" I had my arms up, flailing. I was just... [laughs] My now-husband was next to me and he was like, "All right, let me take you back to shore." Just grabbed my life vest and just started dragging me back to shore. And I felt like Rose in Titanic. We get back to shore, I take off the life vest and I'm like, "You know what? I'm going to go back out without the pressure of racial tension." And I went back out by myself and I did amazing by myself. I made friends with fish and we were chilling and it was amazing. Okay? So I've been Nonye. Thank you very, very much.
[FADE UP MUSIC BED: Upbeat dance track]
Audience: [laugher, applause]
DC: I think that you should brag that you survived that vacation. Really, hats off to you. [laughs]
Audience: Woo! [applause]
DC: Nonye! Queer stories foreverrrr!
DC: You can find Nonye at none e fizzle. That's N-O-N-E-E-F-I-Z-Z-L-E on Instagram.
DC: Our last story... Anthony D. Oakes is a DC-based comedian who is taking comedy on the East Coast by storm. This story was recorded in February of 2022 for the Black History Month show hosted and curated by Calvin Cato.
[END MUSIC BED]
[ANTHONY D. OAKES]
Anthony D. Oakes: Alright, beautiful people make some noise. If you're a beautiful person, make some noise. [Audience: [cheering]] Beautiful people! Oh! My name is Anthony Oakes. I'm originally from North Carolina. Anybody ever been to North Carolina? Oh! North Carolina! We make cigarettes. It's our claim to fame. I recently did a live show at the wharf in D.C. They were taking temperatures at the door. I was on CP time. Some of y'all know what that is. Some of you may not. Ask your neighbor. When I got there, the guy said, "I can't let you down until I take your temperature." I said, "Cool." He put the device to my head. It didn't beep. I said, "Okay, I'm on the show. I need to get downstairs." He said, "Oh, let me go get the other one." Do you know this man came back with an actual stick thermometer [Audience: [groans]] and it didn't even have the plastic sheath on it. It was raw dog. And you would think that I'm into that, but I'm not. But I took one for the team, though. Yeah, I let them take my temperature and then I pulled up my pants and went downstairs. Sometimes you have to be a giver and a receiver. Uh, I am gay. Yeah, I know. Did the zebra print sweater give it away? I don't... I try to be on the down low. You know, I don't want to be out there. I didn't know that I was gay, though. I just thought that I was really into men's fitness magazines or wrestling. You know what I'm saying? It's the positions for me. Just to like... I don't know how you... It just seems so gay.
ADO: So, yeah. I -- talk about overcoming -- I grew up in the church. Anybody else grew up in the church? Okay. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. Therapy. We have counselors in the back for you. It's crazy. People don't realize how difficult it is being a gay child. You know, in church. You know, you're giving God your all. And then the preacher's like, "You're going to hell." Like, that's traumatic, right? Like, the whole time, I was like, "What am I going to wear in hell?Probably something backless, you know what I'm saying? Get a little hell tan back there." Yeah, both my parents were ministers. Yeah, thank you for the sympathy. Like that, I felt that. Yeah! It was very difficult. It was very difficult. Especially when you're 13, you know, you're going through puberty. You know, you're in your room with the door closed, trying to see what's going on with your 13-year-old body. And my dad took the door off the hinges. There ain't no closed doors in no Black dirty house, no way. "Open that door! You don't pay no bills in this house!" So where's the next place you go to feel comfortable? Oh... [Audience Member: Bathroom!] Yes! I've, I feel like you were on Jeopardy! Like "I'll take bathroom for 600, Alex. Double Jeopardy." That's what I thought too. I thought the bathroom was like a safe space, you know? But I would literally be in the bathroom, you know, seeing what's going on with my 13-year-old body. And my mom would be on the other side of the door like, "Anthony, what are you doing in there? You know, Jesus is watching." So for the longest time, I thought Jesus was gay too. Like, "Okay, Jesus watching over me in the bathroom. God is still in the blessing business." But that's weird, and now I've got to tell your father, it's a whole thing.
ADO: Yeah, I recently got engaged. [Audience: [applause]] Yeah, I'm, I'm engaged to a Blegan. Anybody know what that is? It's a Black vegan. Yeah. It's the same as a, as a vegan, they're just always late for dinner. It's crazy. Speaking of love, like, here's where my overcoming came from. I am a recovering cocaine addict. I've been clean for six years. Yeah, it was difficult. Like, you know, I try to explain how difficult it was to give up cocaine because it was so good. And I try to tell people, "Like, just imagine, like, you're Joe Biden and cocaine is like the build back better bill. Like that's how hard it is to like... It's very difficult." I never thought that I would find love. I never thought that I would find purpose. And if I did that I would just snort it.
ADO: I was living in North Carolina. I had to get away. I felt stifled. I do come from the church. And when you don't know your purpose in the church, it's like you're basically an outcast. I didn't know what I was going to do. I was older, but I just felt like I could not thrive in North Carolina. I moved up to D.C. about eight years ago, and I work for a natural hair care salon. And one day this guy came in and he was like, "God, dude, you are so funny. Have you ever thought about, like, doing standup?" And I was like, "Well, you know, people say I'm funny, ha ha ha, you know. I can tell a joke or two, you know?" But you know, I was like, you know, "People tell me that all the time." But he was like, "No, my homeboy, he's a comedian. You know, I'm going to give you his name and number and then you can, you know, hook up with him and he can, like, show you the ropes and..." You know, and I'm shampooing him at this point. So I'm really hearing like, "Wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah, wah" as he's talking. But he gave me the number. I looked at it, but I feel like I've left it in my pants and washed them in the washing machine or something. And about, I'd say not a month later, another client comes into the salon and I'm shampooing her hair and she was like, "Oh my God. Like, you're so funny. Like, have you ever thought about doing standup?" I was like, "Wow, that's crazy that you said that. This guy just came in here and he said the same thing." She said, "I'm taking a workshop. I feel like you should, you know, take the workshop." My boss overheard the conversation. He was like, "I'll give you off, you know what I'm saying? And let you... Because you are funny!" And I used to, you know, like go through the salon and make people laugh and, you know, do a little... But it kind of got a little coonish to me. You know, I didn't want to go, you know, be tap dancing through the salon like [hums music].
ADO: But I took the, I took the workshop. It was probably about like eight weeks or so. And then they do a showcase. So I did the showcase. And when I told my first joke ever it was as if time stopped. And this wave of epiphany just rolled over me and was just like, "You have to stop doing drugs. This is your purpose. You should have been doing this your entire life. This is what you're here for." And as I'm telling these jokes, like, I hear the laughter coming in, but in my head there's a whole nother thing going on. And that's when I stopped doing cocaine. Well, actually, that was in November of 2015, I think. And then that following February, we got snowed in in D.C. and then I got snowed in in D.C. and then I was just so... Just, because I had gone for like three months, you know what I'm saying, without doing it. And I was just so disgusted with, you know, me falling off the wagon. But after that, it was just like smooth sailing. I found my fiancee. We've been together for six years. It's just been a whirlwind. So I just encourage people to find their purpose, live in their truth, and you will truly overcome. And that's my story. My name is Anthony Oakes, and I appreciate you all. Give it up for your host, Mr. Calvin. [FADE UP MUSIC BED: Funky, heavy beat]
Calvin Cato: Anthony Oakes, everybody! Huge round of applause!
Audience: [applause]
CC: And congratulations!
DC: You can find Anthony at Anthony Oakes comedian on Instagram and that last name is O-A-K-E-S.
DC: [sigh] Thank you so much for tuning in… and queer folks, remember – If you don't tell
your story, someone else will, so get out there and…
Audience: TELL! QUEER! STORIES!
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[FADE UP TELL THEME]
DC: TELL is created, hosted and produced by me, Drae Campbell. The stories are recorded live, on zoom or on location at the Bureau of General Services Queer Division -- a pop and pop book shop and event space in the LGBTQ Center in Manhattan. Go say hi to Greg and Donny, who run BGSQD, and tell them we sent you, or follow them at B G S Q D.
DC: The TELL Podcast is produced by Emily Boghossian, recorded at BRIC House in Downtown Brooklyn by Zak Sherzad, Eric Haugesag, and Onel Mulet, and edited by Lauren Klein. Our theme songs were written and recorded by Drae Campbell and Peter Lettre. Charlie Hoxie and Kuye Youngblood are the wind beneath our wings.
DC: Remember to follow us on Spotify, rate and review us on Apple Podcasts, google us on google play, and slide into our DMs @tellqueerz or @draebiz on Instagram. That’s queers and biz with a “z”, obviously. And you know what if you like me specifically, check me out on DraeCampbell.com.
DC: TELL is part of the BRIC family. For more information on this and all BRIC Radio podcasts, visit bric arts media dot org.
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