TELL

TELL S2E6 - Gay-oss - Episode Transcript

Drae Campbell: From the corporate infrastructure [strum] [laughter] [TELL THEME SONG]

[MUSIC BED] DC: Hi, I’m Drae Campbell and this is TELL -- a podcast where queer people tell queer stories. For the past 8 years I’ve been hosting and curating a night of live storytelling at BGSQD -- a queer bookstore in Manhattan. And now I’m sharing those stories with the world… again! Season 2.

DC: Just so you know these stories were recorded at all different times and places and throughout the quarantine, pre-vax, post-vax, and everything in between.

DC: So, if you need a dose of queer community, or just wanna hear great stories told by the people who lived them, you’ve come to the right place. So drink all that water and take all those meds, ‘cause TELL is queering the narrative and telling our stories, on our terms.

[FADE OUT MUSIC]

[MUSIC BED: Twinkly disco] DC: Each episode of TELL features three stories that center around a theme, and the theme of this episode is [echo] GAY-OSS – you know, like chaos but gay. [g-g-gay-oss]

DC: First, Shane. Shane is [intro] Shane tells us in this story about a queer New Orleans wonderland where he meets someone who is really lost. You know what, just to spill a little tea, Shane and Dusty are a couple, and they’re both in this episode. Make of that what you will. This story was recorded in January 2022…

[END MUSIC BED]

[SHANE]
Shane: Oh, Hi, everybody, thank you for having me. New Orleans. Remember that place still exists. I really like it down there. New Orleans is many, many things. Someone, a friend of mine, said that everything there is growing and rotting at the same time, and I think that's pretty accurate. It's literally overgrown with flora and fauna. The cockroaches are enormous. People are doing amazing things and then forgetting about them, and they're literally rusting and rotting and, and dying on the street. So I don't need to tell you how magical New Orleans is. It's also, I mean, you know, it's a temple to all sorts of impulses, it's temple to like Dionysian impulses. And it's let's face it, it's a city built for alcoholics and I'm an alcoholic. And for that reason, it's a miracle place. I remember one of the first times I ever went out in New Orleans, you know, we went out, we had a couple drinks, we went to another bar, had a couple of drinks, met a guy who had a pet lizard and I got to hold the lizard. And then we went to some guy's apartment who claimed that he was an art dealer, and I asked him what kind of art he dealt, and he was like "Warhol's Rembrandts." And then he gave us vodka and diet Ocean Spray. [add back in?]

Shane: So the people that I was with who lived in New Orleans then were like, "Hey, we're going to go home." And I was like, "What? OK, fine. You guys can do whatever you want. I'm going to go to a gay bar." So I went to a gay bar and it was like dead, like no one was there. And so I went up to the bartender and was like, "Where is a gay bar? I could go, that's fun." And he's like, "I don't know. There's one across the street." And I went, and there were literally two people there. And I was like, "New Orleans sucks my ass." And so I was like, "What's wrong with you guys? Like, I thought this was New Orleans. I thought, you people like to party?" And the bartender was like, "Well, yeah, honey, you do know it's 7:00 in the morning, right?" And I did not because I was used to being regulated by bar time. Like, you leave the bar when the bar closes. That's, you know, an alcoholic for you.

Shane: Anyway, the first time I visited New Orleans was with my college choir, but I don't really count that time because whatever we went to like Bourbon Street and I mean, it was memorable in the way that New Orleans is always memorable. But the first time that I really enjoyed an experience New Orleans, I had been there for a couple of days and then someone was like, "Oh, I was at the Country Club last night." And I was like, "There's a Country Club in New Orleans?" And they're like, "Well, yeah, it's called the Country Club, but it's more like a bar." And I was like, "Oh, that's a funny name for a bar." And she was like, "Yeah, I just sat in the hot tub all night." And I was like, "Excuse me, there's a hot tub?" And she's like, "Oh, yeah." And then I was like, "Well, you just go and you, you sit in the hot tub?" And she was like, "Yeah, you just get naked and sit in the hot tub." And I was like, "You what?" And I was like, "How long can you stay" and she's like, "You can stay all night?" And I was like, "And then, what do you do?" And she was like, "Well, you know, I ordered a pizza and got drunk." And so I was just like, "OK, like, this is impossible. Like..." Oh, and then I was like, "How later they opened?" They were like, "They don't close!" So it's like, "This is a place where it's like combining so many things that I love". Not to be a cliché, but like, yes, I really love alcohol and beer and pizza. And I really love being naked, and I really love being in hot tubs and swimming. And I just like, I couldn't believe it existed.

Shane: So, a lot of times you hear about places, and you show up, and it's, you know, it’s…remember the power -- I don't know the age group we're talking to, but like the power wheels commercial when you were a kid? the Barbie power wheels? Which I didn't understand, they played in fast forward and so then you actually see it… My neighbor got the Barbie power wheels and it went like point two miles an hour. It also was really loud. So, you know, my expectations were kind of low because I was like, “There has to be a catch.” Also, you know, you hear a lot of shit in New Orleans. People say all sorts of stuff that makes no sense and doesn't come true. And you know, people can tell you about how the Illuminati runs, you know, standard oil and all this shit, you know, it's just a grain of salt. But I will tell you that the Country Club was everything it was cracked up to be. It was like the best place. The only problem that I had with the Country Club was that it kind of ruined New Orleans for me for the rest of my time. Just because in subsequent trips it was always just sort of like a waiting game of when I would go to the Country Club. And then I would just stay there the whole time -- why would you leave? I mean, why would you leave? There was a sauna, you could order pizza, they technically had a bar, but they did not search your bags and no one gave a shit. So I would just bring in cases of beer and do the, you know, the movie theater like [cough] when you open the, you cough to crack it open so it doesn't make a sound. But I don't even think you needed to, no one gave a shit. You know, the end of the night, often the sun rising, I remember I would just like have my "brrr" my rattling backpack that I would drag home, all wasted, not having spent a dollar, at the -- I mean, they charge you a $10 entrance fee. So, my favorite thing ended up just being hanging out at the Country Club, sometimes for several days in a row, hours, days, months, whatever I could, just I could really do it.

Shane: It was everything that I loved and all the things that I love about New Orleans, which is just to say that like the kinds of people that you met there, just like the vast spectrum of personalities. I met a guy named cousin Dimitri, who actually is going to be on jeopardy next week, I just found out. Watch for him. Cousin Dimitri. I think he moved in like when he was in high school, but he was just this like nerdy guy who taught high school, apparently nerdy enough to be on jeopardy. And then he introduced me to this woman who I think her name was Miss Lilly. And she was like a white lady who was probably about like 55 and had that haircut where it's just one bang that goes the whole way around your head. And oh, it's clothing optional at the Country Club. But it truly, one of the things that I loved about it, was that it truly was optional. Like some people, just wore swim suits, and a lot of people were naked. And Miss Lilly was always in a very modest one piece and would just come to do laps and float. Like it was like her exercise regimen. And just loved to chit chat with everyone and find out what they were up to, and she would just come for 40 minutes and leave. So like, there's that and then, you know, it's got them New Orleans and it's a naked place. And like nudity is not inherently sexual, but it's also not sexually exclusive. You know, it's like a bunch of naked people in the gayest city in… possibly the world. But certainly, I would, I would say definitely America. Or not even gay, just like, there's something in the water like even the straight guys will fuck you there. So yes, as you can imagine, lots of cruising and lots of little hookups. In fact, I was visiting once and I recognized a regular from a diner that I worked at in Wisconsin. We started chatting, and then he went into the shower hut, and I followed him into the shower hut. And every step of the way, because like we both showered, and then you're kind of looking at each other, and then you glance down. And I really appreciated that, every step of the way he just went, "Mmhmm" "Mm hmm", like he was like checking off a list all the way down until I started sucking his dick. And he's like, "Mm hmm". And then after he came, it was like, "Mm hmm." And then I was like, "All right, well, hopefully I'll see you later" and he's like "Mm hmm". And I was just like, you know, dreams come true. Dreams come true. Although, you’re not technically allowed to have sex like they were like, "We'll kick you out." And so you have to like, wait in the shower, turn it cold till your boner goes down.

Shane: Another time I was there -- one of my favorite times -- I was in the pool, and uh, once and a while, it was not unheard of for people to hook up there, and once in a while I'd heard stories, but I'd never seen it because they had a they had a big screen… Oh, you know what? Let me put it this way. There was only one time that I did not like being at the Country Club which was during Saints games, because they would project the football game on the side of the house. And not all the Country Clubs in the world can drown out my icky-ness a football game. Sorry about it. But that is to say that they also had closed-circuit cameras there. I'd never seen this happen, but apparently sometimes when people would have sex, they would just turn the closed circuit camera on them and then project it onto the house as like as like a prank. I never experienced that. I did experience a couple who was like, you know, late thirties definitely had like the like on-vacation, Bourbon Street vibe. Like, man with a goatee and baseball cap in the pool. They were both, just really trashed. And then, like my friend, Cynthia was like, "Are you having sex?" And they were in the water. And so like, we spent several minutes just being like, "I can't tell if they're having sex or not", because they sort of looked like they could have been and their faces sort of looked like they were... I really couldn't tell. But eventually it turned into this bonding moment because people would sort of float by them and then be like, "Oh," and like float away, and we'd be like, "I know it's so gross. hahaha" And then like, we all watched them have sex until finally he came and then we all like [clapping] golf clapped for him.

Shane: But one of the most memorable, and again, all, big slice of life from all sorts of people. So I was there one day during the day and this woman comes in and she is like 11 feet tall, dragging this little Eminem looking guy like, which I have a real hotten-up for that, like the weaselly little white guy, whatever. We are all victims of our own desires. But she was, you know, dragging him in. I can't remember what his name was, but it was something like "Rock". So she was just like "Rock, get in here! Rock! Where's my towel? Rock! bah, bah, bah". And I was just like, "This is the best thing I've ever seen." You know, it's the Country Club, so everyone gets naked and she goes swimming. And she's this beautiful trans woman with these huge breasts, and a very large penis as well. And I'm just like floating near her and eavesdropping as much as I can. And she was like, "The nerve of that man. He thought I didn't understand German and I said, [fake German]." I was just like, "Oh my fucking god." So, she goes into the sauna with her Eminem boyfriend. And of course, I'm like, "Well, I need to go make friends with this person." And so I sit down next to her and I say, "Hey, what's your name? I'm Shane, what's your name?" And she said, "I'm Lost." And I was like, "Where are you trying to go?" And she's like, "No, my name. I’m Lost." I was like, "Well, that's the best name I've ever heard in my life." And I have, I have tattoos on my body. I have a big tattoo on my belly. It's often a, you know, especially when everyone's naked, it's often a conversation piece. She's like, "You got that, where did you get that tattoo? What does it mean?" And it says “fancy”, and I was like, "Oh, it's kind of a joke, whatever, blah blah blah." And she was like, "I don't have any tattoos, but I'm thinking about getting one. I think I want to get a swastika on my left breast." And I said, "Lost, why the hell would you want to get a swastika on your left breast?" And she said, I'm quoting her directly, she said, "How many Black transsexuals do you know who would want a swastika on their breast?" And I said, "I guess one?" And then she was like, "Exactly." So Lost is, I mean… I was about to say, she's my hero. I don't know what to say. I mean, like, I have very mixed feelings about it, but. And oh, by the way, also just made better that her Eminem boyfriend, it was like I was not even there, like he was just sitting there. Basically, I think he was just there making sure that I wasn't going to try to like hit on his girlfriend. But his like, he just stared off into the distance and did not say a word to any of us.

Shane: So… the Country Club was the Promised Land, but the Country Club, all good things run their course and the Country Club is still open and you can still go. It's more expensive. And the sad part is that like you… it is no longer clothing optional. For a variety of sad and confusing reasons, you have to wear a swimsuit. So, that made me real sour. My friend Leo Herrera likes to say that all cities are obsessed with their own self-destruction, which I think is true. I think New Orleans in particular though, it's literally going to wash away someday, which breaks my heart and like, kills me. And the decay is also just like the decay and the growth is just like that much more... It's just more present. And so like the gentrification of it and the neighborhood has changed so much. And there's that's a whole ‘nother story, but there's also a junk shop around the corner that was owned by [raspy voice] a woman named Miss Jane, who talked like this and I really loved her and she's still alive. But she lost the lease to her junk shop.

Shane: The last time I went, I was like, "Well, you know, it's gone. Like, this thing is changing. Like things come, things go." Also, you know, I stopped drinking. Like, I haven't, you know, had a drink in five years and I was like, "You know, what the hell is the Country Club without alcohol? What is New Orleans without alcohol like? What am I going to do?" You know, like, "Oh great, I have to wear a swimsuit." Now, miraculously. A friend of mine, we ran into each other in New Orleans like a friend from Wisconsin. I was visiting when I was living in New York. She was like, "What should we do? I've never been to New Orleans" blah blah blah. And I mentioned the Country Club in passing. I was like, "Oh, but it sucks, like you can't be naked anymore." And she's like, "Well, it's still a bar where you can sit in a, like, let's go!" And so we went and I remember I was just like floating around lamenting how it was different, how, you know, "uh, I'm not following anyone --". And my friend Claire just was like, "This is the best place I've ever been in my life. There's nowhere like this on Earth. This is like I'm having the best day ever." And I was like, you know, what's lost and what's kept? It's like, really relative. And, you know, the nature of everything, everything -- It's more visible in a place like New Orleans that everything's dying and growing, but everything's always dying and growing. And it was a good lesson to not focus so much on what was lost, but focus on the things that I have forever. Like Lost in the sauna, who I will have forever in my heart. That's it.

[FADE UP MUSIC BED: Brass band]

DC: Yes, everybody!

Audience: [cheering]

DC: Oh my God, I love that, it was beautiful, it had everything I needed. [sigh] Give it up for Shane!

DC: You can find Shane at shane island on Twitter and Instagram. [whispered] He’s got a blue check.

DC: Next up, Dusty Childers is an actor and costume designer and really just a wonderful queer about town who is known and loved. This story is gossipy, dishy, sexy… basically, Dusty spills the tea on his own life. Dusty told this story for our “Blow It” show, which was in January of 2021…

[END MUSIC BED]

[DUSTY CHILDERS]
Dusty Childers: Hi! So here's the story. So me and my dear friend Nikki were like, "You know what we haven't done in a while? We haven't gone to those bars on Christopher Street near the water." So like Ty's and The Hanger, and it used to be called The Dugout. But like Rock Bar. I was like, "Let's just go on our two-person little bar crawl and support these bars." This was a couple of years ago, so I was like, "Let's just go get fucked up like the old times", right? So, we're going to Ty's. And I hadn't been into Ty's in so long, and I don't think I've been back since this story occurred. But I sit down at the bar and they're playing some kind of, you know, something. Emmy’s or some bullshit, like some nighttime thing. And sitting next to me is this older gentleman. I'd say he was about 69 or 70. I was like, "Oh, he's got on –“ I was, you know, making small talk with him, and I was like, "I really like your suit." And he was like, "Well, I have a funny thing about suits." And I was like, "Oh, hit me bitch, hit me with this funny thing about your suit, honey." He goes, "I have every single suit I've ever owned." He's like, "I still have them." I mean, I'm like thinking, I'm like, I was like, "Oh, you got four suits." He's like, "I buy two suits a year, and I've been doing that since, like the early 60s." And I was like, "Damn." And he was like, "And they still all fit." He was like this very trim, you know, older gentleman. And so I've always kind of had, as my dear friend mx Vivian would say, I've always had a "hot nut" for older men. In theory, right? Like, I've always been like, "Oh, like that older man is like sexy", right? But I never, you know, because we're in such a youth-obsessed culture, I've never really thought, like, you know, "Let me, let me holler at that, let me get it that", right? And something about the suit story just got me like, "Oh!" You know, I'm learning, I love fashion and I also love sex, and so, like, the marriage of those two things is like, I guess that really gets me going.

DC: So I'm hearing about these suits and I'm like, "Do you? You keep them in like -- I'm just imagining here… you keep them in like armoire?" And he's like, "Oh yeah, a cedar armoire." And I was like, Oh, honey, I was like, "Where I'm from in the south, they call those chifferobes" And I was like "A cedar chifferobe, honey, is it honey! No moths, ever. Because a moth plus a wool suit is... tears. You're gonna, you're just going to cry because the moth is just going to eat the fuck out of that suit. You've held onto that suit since the 60s, honey? The moth is standing in between you and your fashion!" So I'm just getting more and more riled up. I'm like "Oh, fuck. A cedar armoir big enough to hold that many fuckin suits? Like, where does this motherfucker live?" I'm not trying to get a like, a piece of his like Social Security income check. Like his fixed income. I'm not angling that way. I'm Anna Nicole-ing it. Not that there's anything wrong with that, because that money’s gotta go somewhere, OK? That money's gotta go somewhere and you don't, they're going to leave it to like the local hospital? Like, fuck that shit. No! Leave it to somebody beautiful, right?

DC: So anyway, I find myself sort of like ignoring my friend Nicki. Just by the gravitational pull of the situation, I end up with my knee in this 70-year-old man's crotch. I was like, "This dick is getting hard. Okay?" Not that a 70-year-old dick doesn't get hard, but we've been told all these lies, right? So I'm just like, "Let me find out about this dick, ok?" So I said to him, "Listen, I'm imma go to the bathroom, and I'll see you there as soon as you can make it there." Because I'm not trying to rush him because, you know, I've only seen him in this barstool. I don't know if he's like -- what's his mobility like, you know? Like my mobility is shit, and I was like 30 at the time of this story, right? So like, I was like, "you get there when you get there, and I'll be waiting." So he comes into the bathroom, the public restroom at Ty's. Cause there's always that one, janky, non-urinal bathroom in the gay bar. And that's for like whomever it needs to like, shit at a gay bar… If you've ever shit at a gay bar, honey, you're my friend. Because that is a tough thing to do, and I've done it. And now I have no shame. I'm like, "I'm gonna have to shit that this gay bar, always matches with you." No big deal. Light a couple matches. You're fine. It's great, right? There's no shame in shitting at a gay bar. Make sure that they have toilet tissue before you commit. Anyways. He comes into the bathroom and he's like, "What are we going to do in here?" And I was like, "What the fuck do you think we're going to do in here? I'm gonna suck your dick." And he goes, "Here in the bathroom?" And I was like, "Honey, you lived through the 70s, 80s, the 90s, and now we're deep into the aughts, bitch. It's like, yeah, in this bathroom! At a gay bar that your people, I don't know if you were fighting for the right for me to suck your dick in this bathroom, but like your people were, right? Like I'm lumping you in with, you know, you get the grandfather clause, honey.” Who was a US history teacher bitch, bah bah, right here.

DC: So at any rate, I get down. I'm like, "You know what? I don't like to get on my knees on tile floor, you know, it's achy." I was like, "Let me just do this. And hopefully this won't be one of those situations where we're here till like 7am." Like, I'm not trying to like suck this dick for a year. And he was so excited because, you know, I don't know. I don't know how long it had been since he had... It definitely had been a while since he had had public sex because he was acting brand new about it. But I got down there and I did it the old college try, gave it the old, you know… I'm a good time girl, you know? And so he said "I'm about to come" and I go, "Okay," he goes, "Where should I come? I was like, "In my mouth, Grandpa! Come on!" Anyways, I didn't get a drop on that suit because I was like, "You know, I'm not trying to have him have to go to the dry cleaner and explain that". You know, there's that joke, that very off-color joke about, you know, going to the dry cleaner and the dry cleaner's, like, doesn't hear what you're saying and they're like asking you to repeat by saying, "Come again" and you're like, "No, it's mustard". [laughter], that's one of my father's favorite jokes. Anyway, so then, fast forward, I'm sitting in my bed like trying to pick something to watch, on the, you know, on the things, on the streamings. And I see that Bruce LaBruce has put out this movie Gerontophilia. Honey, I watched that movie and I'm like, this, this is it. Like, Give me the 70-year-old dicks all day long. And so since then, I mean, countless, you know, I'm an honorary member of the AARP, OK? like, you know, I'm getting those discounts, bitch, ok? So anyways, but I highly recommend rethinking the like desexualized situation that is our elders, because listen, honey, you're going to be there one day, bitch. OK? And listen, I don't like to rack up karma points. Like, that's not really my jush. But like, you know, I'm hoping that when I get 70, some fly-ass 30-something is going to be like "Let me suck your dick, grandpa." And I'll be like, "Cool, let's do it." So, [laughs] anyways, blow it. Don't blow it, guys.

[MUSIC BED: Jazzy piano]

Drae: Yes, I am in pain from the laugh. I laughed so hard throught that. It's hot nut, the grandfather. You were great when you said you were grandfathered in from your

Dusty: ] grandfather clause, guys. By the

Drae: grandfather clause. I mean,

Dusty: that's that's a deep history. That's a deep history.

Drae: Oh, it's a deep cut. But it landed well with the old gentleman in the suit. Oh man. Anyone else just in pain from laughing? I feel so extra queer from that story. It makes me feel good.

Dusty: I'm glad.

Drae: You can find Dusty at Duddy Lynn on Instagram. That’s D-U-D-D-Y L-Y-N-N.

Drae: Our final story… Shomi Noise is a queer, Latinx, feminist punk singer, artist, DJ, and writer. She’s also the lead singer of the Selena Quintanilla punk tribute band Amor Amor Prohibido. Shomi reminds us that, even when you’re teeny tiny and the whole world is in opposition to your little tiny identity, you can fight back in your own little way. This story was recorded in December 2021…

[END MUSIC BED]

[SHOMI NOISE]
Audience: [cheering]

Shomi Noise: Thank you. Thanks, guys. OK, so this story is called Shomi and the Jesus Freaks. So the setting of the story is Oduro, Bolivia which is the town my mom's from. Quick backstory: I was born in New Jersey, but both my parents are Bolivian immigrants. And during my childhood, and as their marriage disintegrated, we traveled back and forth between the United States and Bolivia quite often. And we would also stay big chunks of time out there. So mainly in La Paz, which is like the big capital. But one Christmas, we went to my mom's hometown, Oduro, which is like about four hours away from La Paz to spend time with my grandparents. Anyway, I was like between four and five years old, and my recollection about the story was a little foggy at first. So, I had to do some investigative reporting with my family to put the pieces of the story together. So picture this: There's dozens of tiny children, like almost toddlers, marching around town with picket signs that say things like "Jesus saves", "Jesus is coming", "Let Jesus in your heart or perish in hell", "Peace and love in our homes", "Let Jesus in". Anyway, among these tiny children is tiny Shomi, aka me, holding one of those signs and being absolutely clueless about what the fuck is going on.

SN: All right, so that's the scene. Picture it. So I went to my mom and I was like, "Hey, mom, did I ever…? Was I ever involved in like a weird Jesus protest when I was a child?" And she was like, "Oh, yeah, I think I remember that happening." She's like, "But I wasn't there, so I can't give you details. Go ask your cousin Blanca, because she was in charge of you that day." So then, of course, I have to go and track Cousin Blanca to figure out what the hell happened. So I tracked her down. She's in Bolivia. And she tells me the full story and as she tells me I remember more. So here is the story. Right? Shomi and the Jesus freaks. So that day, my mom had to take my older sister to some kind of appointment, and she got my cousin, Blanca, to babysit me for a few hours. Blanca was a teenager at the time. So it just so happens that as she committed to babysit me, her crush had asked her out on a date, and she was quite conflicted because she really liked this boy and she really wanted to out with him really badly. But she also had to look after me so she didn't know what to do.

SN: And it turns out that there was like a nun school across the street from my grandparents’ house, and on weekends they would let, like church affiliated groups, do activities like all sort of events and stuff like that. So on that particular weekend, there was like a sign saying encouraging everybody in the neighborhood to bring their small children ages three to six for an activity that would earn them free Christmas gifts. So as my cousin was agonizing as to what to do regarding her date, she saw the sign across the street and thought to herself, "This is my chance." She was like, "This is perfect. The nuns are really trustworthy. Shomi won't be far from home at all. She's literally across the street. She can play with the other kids. She's going to get gifts. I'll go on my date, then I'll come pick her up. It's going to be great.” And she was like, "Shomi, you're going to go hang out with some really nice people at the nun school and there's going to be kids to play with and gifts!" And like little five-year-old me was really excited. I was like, "Yes! Gifts!" And she was like, "Yes, gifts!" And I was like, "I love gifts!"

SN: So she takes me to the nun school. She drops me off at the school with the nuns and the magical gift-giving group that turned out to be a bunch of Jesus-loving-freaks who were literally not satisfied with the fact that Bolivia is like 95% Catholic. And who probably thought to themselves, "we're going to go save any remaining lost souls across town, and like, what better way to do this than to use tiny children to deliver our message, right?" So I bet they thought they were so fucking slick, fucking assholes. Anyway, I was in this auditorium surrounded by other kids -- some were younger, some a little older. Most of them were accompanied by a parent or a chaperon. And I was the only one there by myself. So like the leader of the Jesus freaks is like, he brings out these two toys and one was a doll and the other one was a truck, like, very gendered, but like what do you expect from like Jesus freaks in the 80s, right? Anyway, he's like dangling the carrot he's like, "Aren't these nice? These can be yours! For you to earn them, though we need you to do us a little favor." And he's like, "Who here loves Jesus?" And all the little kids are like, "Me!" And I'm kind of like, "I mean I guess?" So he's like, "We're going to go outside for a little bit and we're going to march." And so they teach us some chants. They instructed the children to be at the front of the march. The parents were right behind. They give us picket signs and off we go to the little march for Jesus across town, right?

SN: It wasn't a little march, it was actually across the entire town like a big loop and like four little five-year-old legs, that's a lot. So like halfway through the march, most of the kids were crying or whining. And like, little me had had it. I was pissed. Like, I was bored, I was tired, I was hangry. And like, the worst was that there was no one for me to whine to. I was by myself, right? So I just kept telling myself like, "Well, at least I'm going to get that gift, right? Right? Right." So after completing the torturous loop around town, where they urged--we urged people to let Jesus in their hearts to avoid damnation or whatnot, like... Like I'm fucking five, why are you getting the little children to...? Anyway, [laughs] so I see the doors of the nun school in the distance and I'm like, It's like seeing the light at the end of the tunnel. I'm like, "Yes, redemption, I'm going to get my gift." And out of the blue, an arm grabs me and it's like, "Shomi, we have to go now!" And it's like my cousin Blanca. And I'm like, "But the gift!" And she's like, "Sorry, babe, we have to go home. I'm in so much trouble." So she, like, drags me across the street and takes me home.

SN: So it turns out that the peaceful protest demonstration organized by the Jesus freaks using tiny children had gotten the attention of everybody in town. And when we pass by the town's market, my aunt and Blanca's mom, who happen to work at the market, spotted miserable me across a distance, holding a picket sign saying "Jesus saves", and being completely unsupervised. She was like, "Where the fuck is Blanca?" So, she tracks on black as best friend's mom, who then tracks Blanca's best friend, who then tracks down -- this is the 80s, so I'm no cell phones. The best friend tracks down Blanca to give her the heads up. She's like, "Oh my god, your mom knows that you're not with Shomi, you're in so much trouble." Anyway. Drama, right? So poor Blanca gets grounded for weeks. I never got my gift after doing all the walking, so I was mad about that. And maybe that's when I started to, like, kind of question Jesus, who knows. But needless to say, like Catholic, Christian faith never spoke to me, but also I'm a giant homosexual, so that probably also has something to do with it. Anyway, I'm gonna play a little song for y'all. So when I was a teenager, I got really into Nirvana. And this performance you may know, MTV Unplugged, called "Jesus Don't Want Me For A Sunbeam" I might a butcher it, but I'm going to go for it.

SN: [song sung & played on the guitar]

Jesus, don't want me for a sunbeam
Sunbeams are never made like me

Don't expect me to cry
For all the reasons you had to die
Don't ever ask your love of me
Don't expect me to cry
Don't expect me to lie
Don't expect me to die for me

Jesus, don't want me for a sunbeam
Sunbeams are never made like me

Don't expect me to cry
For all the reasons you had to die
Don't ever ask your love of me
Don't expect me to cry
Don't expect me to lie
Don't expect me to die for me
Don't expect me to cry
Don't expect me to lie
Don't expect me to die for me

SN: Thank you.

[MUSIC BED: Playful brass band]

Audience: [cheering]

DC: You can find Shomi at Shomi Noise on Instagram. That’s S-H-O-M-I Noise on Instagraaaam.

DC: [sigh] Thank you so much for tuning in… and queer folks, remember – If you don't tell
your story, someone else will, so get out there and…

Audience: TELL! QUEER! STORIES!

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[FADE UP TELL THEME]

DC: TELL is created, hosted and produced by me, Drae Campbell. The stories are recorded live, on zoom or on location at the Bureau of General Services Queer Division -- a pop and pop book shop and event space in the LGBTQ Center in Manhattan. Go say hi to Greg and Donny, who run BGSQD, and tell them we sent you, or follow them at B G S Q D.

DC: The TELL Podcast is produced by Emily Boghossian, recorded at BRIC House in Downtown Brooklyn by Zak Sherzad, Eric Haugesag, and Onel Mulet, and edited by Lauren Klein. Our theme songs were written and recorded by Drae Campbell and Peter Lettre. Charlie Hoxie and Kuye Youngblood are the wind beneath our wings.

DC: Remember to follow us on Spotify, rate and review us on Apple Podcasts, google us on google play, and slide into our DMs @tellqueerz or @draebiz on Instagram. That’s queers and biz with a “z”, obviously. And you know what if you like me specifically, check me out on DraeCampbell.com.

TELL is part of the BRIC family. For more information on this and all BRIC Radio podcasts, visit bric arts media dot org.

[END MUSIC]